Charlie Sheen: God of the Internet

You may say it’s premature, but you’d be so wrong that warlock assassins would have to behead you and your children would laugh over your exploded body.

That’s right:  After not having a twitter account (not even a stupid promotional one – I hope CBS doesn’t have community marketing manager, because she can’t even win at not-winning) Charlie Sheen went from zero followers to 1,000,000 in 24 hours.  To put this in perspective, the famous race to 1,000,000 between Ashton Kutcher and CNN took the entire life of twitter to that date: 3 years and 27 days.  Granted, there are a lot more people using twitter, and Charlie Sheen is more interesting than CNN and Ashton put together in a magic centerfuge put into a unicorn’s brain – but that’s how Charlie Rolls, complete and total win, with a 100% success rate.  Check the facts.

Almost all of us spent our Monday and Tuesday work days clicking through his incredible repertoire of insane maxims for a winning a life, or at least watching the dozen or so ‘exclusive’ interviews he’s given to every media outlet in the world.  (Don’t deny it)  He’s inserted himself into the Libyan revolution by being the love side of his unforgettably elegant equation: Either love or hate, but do so violently. (Kadafi is the other half, btw, and he’s been turning out some gems as well.)

So what can we do but crown the new King of the Internet?  Nothing, and in fact, we can’t even do that.  Not a million falcons with fire-breathing talons could reach that high.  Charlie Sheen’s head is so far up that only he can really perceive its altitude, and even then it’s on a scientifically unfathomable scale. It’s a wonder to behold, for however long it lasts.

Here is a list of awesome Shmeems:

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