Dads and Presidents


I recently became a dad, for the first time.

I knew before my daughter was born that she would depend on me to give her a leg up in this world.  And when I first saw her, I felt it in my heart – I owe her everything I can give possibly give her.  Within reason.

Every parent wants to give their kid every possible advantage in life.  I want my daughter to eat the best foods and attend the best schools, and I’ll provide that to her despite what burdens it might place on me or others.  But there’s a limit.

For example, no matter how much you love your daughter, it is not appropriate to use the vast powers of the presidency to help her sell designer handbags.  Or to allow her to sit-in on important matters of state to which she has little to contribute, even if she really wants to.

And I’m not going to be one of those goonish dads that tries to intimidate the boys my daughter brings home. But I can guarantee that I will never like anyone she dates enough to put him charge of sorting out the Arab-Israeli conflict. Especially if, like Jared Kusher, he’s a vindictive scam artist with experience in a handful of overleveraged real estate development projects and literally nothing else.


You’d think Trump would be jealous of Jared, a Jew, who’s taller than him and gets to fuck his daughter, but Trump has plenty to identify with his son-in-law.

Like Jared, he is the undeserving heir to a fortune made on the backs of underpaid contractors and illegally segregated tenants.  Like Jared, Trump’s father was persecuted by the government – Daddy Kushner for committing tax evasion and witness tampering, and Daddy Trump of assaulting a cop at a Ku Klux Klan rally. (Just to be clear, the cops were trying to stop the rally.)

Most of all, Trump likely values Jared because he knows him, and so he trusts him, because Trump is a television-addicted elderly person who agrees with whomever has most recently left the room.  Trump is one of those macho imbeciles who value ‘loyalty’ over all other traits in an underling.  Suffice to say, when staffing the largest single organization on Earth, whose complexity and scope Trump himself didn’t consider until two weeks after taking office – maybe choosing lieutenants whose only qualification is he’s willing to go to jail to protect his inheritance is a stupid fucking idea.  Only an egotistical moron says ‘loyalty’ is more important than anything.  Only someone who intends to commit a fucking crime says that shit.  The rest of us expect to see some experience on the resume, and maybe an unpaid internship.


But no.

After sharting the bed on their cartoonishly villainous healthcare bill, Trump went golfing for the weekend, and Jared and Ivanka went to Aspen.  When they got back, Daddy’s caretakers let them know that Jared was now head of the ‘Office of American Innovation,’ a group tasked with bringing efficiencies from the business world into the government, where they can further erode the fabric of our nation’s civil society.   For example: calling someone who works 38 hours a week at two jobs ‘part time’ so you don’t have to pay for their cancer screenings, see?

This is on top of Jared’s current duties of a) solving the Middle East, b) fixing the nation’s opiod addiction and c) being the chief advisor in charge of communicating with world leaders, making him our nation’s emergency contact.

No one expects a call from the daycare saying their kid has puked all over the other children on purpose.  We all want to believe our children are special.  But of the few things the founders actually got right, it was to discourage the overt inheritance of government positions.  In America, nepotism is meant to be subtle, and earned through donor access and name recognition.  Trump is entrusting basically the entire presidency to his daughter’s husband, like Henry Salt stealing the golden goose for Veruca, but the goose is America.


My only hope is that these dipshits fail so spectacularly that the sycophants in the Republican party see that they’re better off impeaching him early and ramming through their antisocial laws and court appointees with President Pence.

It’s an awful consolation prize, but it might be enough to get me through the decade, so that I can see my daughter grow up to cheer on Chelsea Clinton as she is crowned the first woman queen of the United States.

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